Have I told you my story?

I have to start this out by stating I lost sight of how God likes to talk to me when I run. It’s why I feel in love with running. So it is fitting that He took my getting back on the treadmill tonight as a way to say “it’s time to share your story”. At first I was like “as soon as this 6 miles is done”. But God had other plans so here I am stopping at 3 miles to write. ❤️

There will be those of you reading who think you know my story and maybe everything about me. That may be true for some and for others I may have not told it all yet. Part of the Rooted series we are doing at church is about sharing our stories. Most of the ladies in my group have heard it, at least in part. But for those who haven’t, here is my testimony of how God and my relationship with Jesus changed my life.

Without getting into all the crazy details of my life (sibling, half sibling, step sibling etc etc), I will say I was the youngest of three. At about four years old my parents divorced and, like most kids, I didn’t understand it all. At four I didn’t know how abusive my (biological) dad once. I, to this day, don’t recall him ever abusing me. Now I know so much more about him and why certain things happened. But at 4 all I knew was he was gone and I couldn’t wrap my head around why? Did he not love me? Why did he just stop by once in a while then leave? Lost, abandoned, and questioning if I was unloved.

Also during this time, somewhere around ages 5 to 6/7, I was sexually abused by some neighborhood kids. It was terribly confusing and left me questioning a great many things about myself. Is this all I was worth? Is this normal? What was wrong with me? Was something wrong with me?

Just a few years later when I was 10 I was sexually abused once again by a family “friend”. At that time it was different in the sense that it was a “trusted” adult and I was scared. Again with the “what is wrong with me?”

As many after school specials there were back in the eighties and the times I heard to tell someone, I kept it to myself for 5 years before I told my mom. In those five years I was quiet, lost, angry, and thinking I wasn’t worth much. I was especially confused about love and sex and my worth. Everything was jumbled. I, quite often, simply felt unworthy and unlovable. Some of those feeling kept on even after I told my mom. It took years of talking and confronting to start to let go of those feelings.

At this point you may be thinking “so where was God in all this”, “how could he let this happen” “how can you love God and forgive those who hurt you?” Because yes I have forgiven them.

God didn’t let these things happen to me. Bad things don’t come from God, but they do happen even to “good” people. He was there for me and with me through it all. He held me when I cried. He kept me close. He kept me from going off the deep end when I thought it was all too much. He kept me from ending it all when I thought the pain was too much. He kept opening doors and showing me I was loved deeply and I was more than the sum of things that had happened to me. I praise the Lord every day for the day my dear Aunt Mabel brought me to Benton Bible Chapel in 1988 and I accepted Christ into my heart ❤️ The healing, the forgiveness, the deep love and joy I have now would not be possible without God relentlessly coming after me; restoring me; reminding me I am loved beyond measure.

There were a great many years where I had accepted Christ into my heart, but I wasn’t living for Him or in a relationship with Him. He kept “talking” to me and I’d turn to Him when I was hurting (instead of at all times). I’d step in out of a walk with Him over the years from 1988 to 2018. I even got baptized in 2000 (the same week I found out I was pregnant with son). But alas I still wasn’t on His path for me. I was still questioning if I was worthy for what He kept calling me to do so I just didn’t do it.

Everything changed in January 2018. If you read about the loss of my dad then you know that story so I won’t retell it now. Long story short it was at that time that I felt the presence of Jesus, of God so strongly that I turned to Him. For the first time since I asked to Him into my heart in 1988 and was baptized in 2000, I fell to my knees in surrender. I literally said, “God I cannot do this on my own. On my own I will mess this (life) up. I need you and I am ready to follow your path for me whatever it may be”

Everything changed at that moment. There hasn’t been a day in almost two years now where I haven’t been in prayer, journaling to God, studying the Word, and loving this life He has Blessed me with. The joy I feel now is so indescribable that I pray that anyone who has never felt it could feel it for even one day so that they would want it everyday for themselves.

I am now on the path He always had for me. I am getting the Theology degree that I, for too long, thought I wasn’t capable of getting. I’m not questioning the “why”, but enjoying the ride. I live each day “In joy” as He wants me to be “in joy” and to “spread joy”. He has a plan and purpose for me just as He has for each us. When we are in the relationship and in His will for us there is such inexpressible joy.

So this is long and if you are still here “Thank you”. I’m sure I left a few things out, but the point is how God can take the broken and make it beautiful. He can change hearts and lives. He can build bridges and heal relationships such as he did with me and my biological dad. He can send people into our lives to show us how it is to be loved such as he did my sending my stepdad who I will always consider to be my dad ❤️ into my life. I wouldn’t be me without my deepening relationship with Jesus and for that I am forever Thankful and Blessed.

I pray for any of you that have not yet accepted Jesus into your life that one day you will so that you, too, can live In Joy.